I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
