i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
