Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
