sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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