can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
