they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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