Got a toothbrush?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
