I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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