I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
