I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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