I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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