His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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