Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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