PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
