from now on my penis is your penis
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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