Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
