His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
