Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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