glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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