i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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