So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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