I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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