I need to stop coming to work sober
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
