We won't sleep together?
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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