batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
