the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
