So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
