Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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