Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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