I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
