You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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