just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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