Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
