Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
