You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
