We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
