the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i drank out of a bidet.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
