My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
