i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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