How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
