When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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