I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
