my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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