This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
