I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
