so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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