he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
