did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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