my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
