Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
