gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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