Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
