Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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