Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
