Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
