hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
