my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
