Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
