I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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