So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
