He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
