my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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