Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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