Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
