You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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