my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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