whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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