she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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