You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
